Firm Embrace
“Why doesn’t he hug?” is the question my mother’s stepfather, Hank, asked my mother.
That was the first time I heard it.
Grandad would have never asked that question. He thought it was strange that I played with ‘dolls’ so it probably wasn’t in his vocabulary to discuss physical affection. And those ‘dolls’ in question were defending America against Cobra Commander, Destro and Baroness.
As strange as any of my actions may have been to my mother’s father, Grandad never blinked when I was at his house. He watched his baseball and I would play. He took me everywhere and made sure I ate and smoked his cigarettes in peace.
I can’t remember him asking me a single question about why I did anything.
The only memories of Hank are ones where he was encouraging me to do things that other kids were doing. He was hoping for a connection and I didn’t have one to spare.
There are other complicated issues that probably explain why I preferred Grandad’s small grey house to Hank’s large game-filled palace. I’d learn as an adult that my Uncle Jeff had to confront Hank about how he handled my grandmother, so maybe the palace just gave me bad vibes even though I never saw anything other than a doting husband.
I simply remember hearing my mother repeating Hank’s question.
“Why doesn’t he hug?”
Not until in high school did hugs become a thing. The interactions between upperclassmen always seemed physical compared to every other setting I’d witnessed. Old people hugged you at church and cookouts. There was a squeeze that always involved an adult and I wasn’t one of those.
But those juniors and seniors were full on adults and they seemed to hug between every class or after every game or before every quiz.
They looked happy.
Eventually people were hugging me in the hallway. Or putting their arms around me. Just warming up to me. Whether they were admiring my new Jordans or cheating off of my homework or making fun of the hole in someone’s Chevette floor, there was always an arm around me.
I appreciated every one of those hugs.
Junebug gave the best hugs. Christina and Marcie gave really great hugs. TJ put his arm around you and you knew everything was good.
Though they were never awkward or uncomfortable for me, they still weren’t natural. I always wondered if I was hugging too hard or too soft, too long or too short. When I hugged girls my age was it more than a hug? Was I flirting? Was she flirting?
My personal space never felt violated but there was nothing natural about a hug. It was always a social quiz and I felt like I hadn’t studied and I rarely saw any letter grade to know if I’d passed.
This is part of the social battery.
The effort it takes for me to be in a room with other people is draining. Taking constant quizzes of interaction is heavy even if I don’t feel it in the moment.
The evolution of the handshake hug in the 90’s simplified those moments for me. An expectation of respect elevated a handshake or a dap into a full acknowledgment of someone in your presence. The handshake and the embrace had to have feeling. Connecting. A moment to recognize we are here, now, living.
With practice, my interactions became more routine. College introduced far more introductory hugs with strangers and I learned where to put my hands and how long to hold and how to read the receiver’s intent and connection.
None of this was natural, but I was learning.
I’m still learning.
At some point the evolution from handshake hug to full hug between Black men became an expectation for people you had a bond with. Somewhere between actual brother and good friend lived an understanding that we are more than acquaintances separated by a handshake.
This was always the norm in some cultures but American Black men needed some time to evolve into sitting next to each other at the movies.
Hugs and ‘I love you’s are now part of my standard routine because I gave up wondering whether I should or shouldn’t. I’m probably doing it wrong half of the time but I have other things to worry about - like how to end a phone call or simply cry.
Baby steps.
Good things.